april oh april !
the month that totally changed everything and honestly, i am so happy about all these changes. for so long i've been dragging the old stuff with me because i've never liked changes that much. however, now i can't wait when i can finally be free from those things that don't make me happy anymore.
i've learnt that just because something once made me happy doesn't mean it will always make me happy.
i'm not sure where to begin and these changes have been there for long time but it was last month when they all finally started to show.
i'd say one of the biggest the moment was the very eye-opening diagnosis session i had in the beginning of last month. i realized just how much i've always been here for other people and not for myself. i used to think i'm super selfish but turns out, i'm not. i've been ignoring my own feelings in order to make other people happy (to some extend, of course i've still had my own will etc. but that unfortunately has not been there in all cases).
and all this ignoring has caused me some serious problems of which i want to get rid off now.
in the end of the diagnosis session jomi said that he usually doesn't give homeworks, but this time he'd make an exception. and the homework was for me to have more mercy on myself.
and that mercy includes not ignoring my feelings and getting rid off the things that make me feel bad.
it's not like everything suddenly changed after that day: i've gone very deep, so deep i actually had to take sick-leave from work which is something i usually never do, but then i don't think i've been more depressed than usually. it's just the first time i allow myself to feel depressed and i'm reaching out for some help. taking sick-leave felt so selfish because i knew people would've needed me at work but then on the other hand i need myself more.
i've been in a very weird place where i'd go for a walk in the middle of the night just to make sure i was still part of this world, that i was actually alive, because i felt so separated from the real world. it was like i could hear the world around me, see it, feel it, but still i wasn't part of it no matter how badly i tried. during one of these nights i made my blogspot private, still don't know why for sure. i guess it was some sort of paranoid reaction or something, i really don't know o.ô
the next morning i was like "wtf happened.." and first i thought i'd just make the blog public again but then i thought that this is a very good chance to end this madness right here right now and stop forcing myself to go back to the gage.
because the real me refuses to do that and i feel like i've finally awaken.
i remember when i first told about my decision to anni. it was on february, just when i was about to move out.
we had a little crisis in our platonic relationship, but anni's reaction was reasonable: i had not told anyone anything before so it came out of blue.
i can't say for sure when this all started. from 2008 to 2009 i truly only lived for pin. it's really hard to explain it if you haven't been there but i totally ignored myself in order to make pin good and acceptable. and the more people liked pin and liked the style the more i thought hey this is good thing, i need to try even more. i was actually about to stop gyaru in the summer of 2008 because i started to notice myself falling, but escaping the reality was far more easier so i let myself go.
then around 2010 i started to separate pin and myself and realized pin and me truly are two different things. i made a very strong line between both of us and pin became my alter-ego. but i thought trying to explain something like this to a community where most of people were still everyday gyarus would be too difficult and i was also afraid if i opened my mouth about that no one would take my hard work seriously anymore.
after i started the separation i noticed that these things that i've wanted for so long, started to happen.
university, own apartment...
and i think it's safe to say that ever since university, the real life - despite the lows - has become more and more interesting. the urge to disappear to the world i created has gone from small to pretty much unexisting and last winter i started to notice it.
soon after every Q's meeting started, i'd already start to feel the lashes were too heavy and the hair was too heavy and i was just constantly checking the time to see how long i'd still have to be there. and i remember thinking "what the heck.. why do i want to go home immediately? i really do love these people so why can't i just enjoy their company?"
within time all these annoying feelings about everything started to get bigger and bigger to the point when planning a meeting outfit went to a whole new level.
what you've seen has been happy, cheerful meeting pictures and fancy outfits. and what i've seen: bruises, blood, broken capillars, finger and fist prints all over my body from literally beating myself up. my scalp red and sensitive from pulling my hair and my eyes red and swollen from crying. that's the reality behind planning the meeting outfits for about six months now.
and i also became a very bad leader because i didn't want to plan new meetings since having the date set would mean yet another days full of self-hate and harm. and then the meeting where i'd just be super annoyed by all the hair and lashes and everything~
but i thought i must keep on going because it's what people expect me to do. people care about pin so i must keep that thing alive even tho i didn't want to.
then came the THE moment of my life which was moving out and the sudden, strong feeling i had: i don't want all this gyaru stuff with me to MY new apartment which is supposed to be the begin of MY life. i would've not wanted to take this fake person with me who, for so long, made me ignore myself in order to make this person shine. the feeling was so strong that my first plan was to then, on february, tell everyone i was leaving for good and i'd sell all the gyaru stuff before moving out.
then i realized i really didn't have time for that so i decided to have one last moitié meeting with anni and then leave.
well, turned out i still wasn't able to leave and i made another promise that i'd stop after the next con. everyone are still waiting for information about tsukicon and so i decided to wait as well and then let that be pin's last public appearance.
within time i realized i wasn't going to be able to pull this all together for that long and when i was walking to kamppi for Q's april meeting i said this would be the last time i'd force myself into something that only caused me to attack against myself.
WEEEEELL, turns out that wasn't the last time tho: me and anni had the last moitié meeting this week. first i was supposed to be myself, but then i thought i'd dress up for her, just once more and after that i'd make this all public so i couldn't "cheat" myself anymore.
and also, i kind of wanted her to see the last of pin because i know how important pin has been to her.
apparently there are a lot of people who think they know me because they've been reading my blog, but you only know what i let you know. sure, you certainly know eveything about pin, but i wish you could've been able to see all the things that were going on in the backstage, things that were going on in MY life. my own fault, i didn't tell you, but seeing how all other gyarus were only posting about happy things made me feel so sick and disgusting so for very long, i wanted to keep such image of pin and myself as well.
for example tsukicon - when we had the fashion show etc - was just pure hell. i hated every single moment of it and i was such a mess inside (and outside..) during that weekend. i would've wanted to stay inside my room and not act like i was fine because i wasn't. and i remember when we had the panel and the other people said that gyaru has made them more confident and i was thinking "really? how is that possible? i don't think i've ever been this paranoid and had such low self-esteem..."
but i guess it's like i've been saying to my friends: when it comes to pin's public image, i've done bloody good job.
when i read through my ameblo i felt so sad because there were mainly only these happy "today i met the person x" type of posts and between those posts i remember all the breakdowns i had. i guess many people think that i've suddenly became such a mess with a lot of mental issues going on, but honestly, i've been like this for so long i can't even remember how things were before. this is just the first time when i feel like i don't have to hide anymore, tho i still haven't told you everything because a) i still feel kind of embarrassed i'm so troubled and b) it'd seem like i'm just seeking for attention.
first i was thinking i'd just fade away to avoid any drama this type of entry might cause, but then i thought of all the amazing people who have been supporting me and i thought they would deserve an explanation. by support i don't mean "omg your hair/make up/whatever is lovely" type of comments, i mean the support i've got after i've taken at least most of the mask off and revealed that i'm a real person.
of which people who hate me sure are thrilled about ! i don't know the size of the drama at g_s, i only know what i've heard from my friends, but i'm quite sure people are celebrating now that i've finally given them a "real reason" to start drama about me and hate me. i have to say tho that i couldn't care less. first i didn't care that much, then i suddenly cared alot because i was finally showing my real self and stopped hiding behind pin and then i totally stopped caring. because it doesn't matter that much what people think about you in a community in which you don't really feel like you belong to anymore.
if my fellow history students would talk a lot of jazz about me i'd feel sad and pissed off because that is a community in which i belong to. but gyaru community? nope, not anymore.
i've been told that there are people who hope i'd never get the transgender diagnosis which seems to offend my friends more than it offends me. i guess in one way i'd quite jealous that there are still people out there who don't have to know about such things and can take the world very black and white. when you know too much things can get very difficult and you have bigger chances to get very depressed. it's fascinating that there are people who can't tell the difference between being a female and being a woman and the difference between being a male and being a man. but instead of bashing, i think this would be a great opportunity to learn about such things and see how complex life actually is. sure, seeing all the different sides of just one thing might make you feel super paranoid, but eventually i think i'd rather be super paranoid and depressed than being ignorant and hurt others with my ignorance.
but that's how i am and tho i have to say i often wish i could somehow switch off the thinking and just go and live~
which is something i am trying to learn now and i am determinded to get the balance between rational thinking and following emotions.
giving my entire life for the rational thinking was a good decidion at that time, it was great survival system. but now since it's turning against me, i need to change it.
i am not sad at all that i'm leaving gyaru for good, i feel so relieved and happy about it ! it's been five years and to be honest, for long time i've been scared that i might never get pin off from my life which is why i was thrilled when i realized i could leave this all behind and start being me all the time.
i am not going to leave Q, that's for sure, i love those people too much and i believe their supportive company has been one of the reasons why i feel i can leave gyaru; because i know i don't have to leave them. so i'm going to be like a support member and now i can finally truly enjoy the meetings~
now that i'm looking back i don't see many other positive things about gyaru than the friends i have at this moment. i'm actually not sure how i was able to do all that for so long o.ô and i am so not jealous of those people who still have to bare with the online gyaru communities because it's like now i see it all like those people see it who are not doing the style. and all i can say it GOOD LUCK. 8'D i still think the gyaru community here in finland is nice and the athmosphere is definitely better than when i first got started.
i'm glad i can move from "i'll have this outfit if i'm mentally stable and this outfit if i'm not" type of problems to "what should i make for dinner" type of "problems". there have been many nights when i have felt regret that i ever found gyaru, but then i don't know for what other thing i had gone to escape. could've been alcohol, could've been drugs... so i guess it's good that i drowned my feelings with gyaru and not with something like that D: it's kind of weird to not have any "oh i'm so gonna miss this and that" feelings, after all it was five long years, but i guess that is only a good thing especially now that i'm learning to listen to myself and do what i feel is right thing to do.
i'm not going to stay here and explain all this until the whole thing is old and no one cares anymore. i'm gonna leave NOW, because there is nothing for me here anymore. i've been ready to leave for quite long time now and i'm not going to wait anymore. i want this chapter to end and start a new one.
this entry needs this quote:
"all that great heart lying still
in silent suffering
smiling like a clown until the show has come to an end
what is left for encore
is the same old dead boy`s song
sung in silence"
song of myself.
and another quote is very much needed as well. it's very short, but explains it all:
i have made a new blog, chapter XIV, where i will be writing for myself this time. my previous blogs have been mainly made for the gyaru community so i've been writing everything through pin, but that will end now. i'll write about things i want to and not what i expect people to write me about. blogging has been such a pain in the ass for many years now because i've felt like i only need to write about things i know my blog readers want to read about. 8/
this has to be the most honest entry i've ever written.
i wanted to make a video first because i do understand the problem here: i said there above that you only know what i write and so right now i could be telling all fancy stories because hey - you'll never know what's real and what isn't ! but the amount of things i'd have to say in english jsfsakjgfad so i decided to save my nerves and your ears and just write things down. if you don't believe the things i've written.. well, that's not under my control. you're responsible of your own feelings and i'm responsible of mine. i've explained my side of the story and that's all i can do.
thank you for all the people who have been there for me and listened to my troubles and made me smile<3 it's been a pleasure to know you and i can't really say i'd be sad anymore for meeting all the people i have met.
(continued writing on may 9th) after all, they have made me learn alot and helped me to see many new aspects of people and life. i've cried a lot because of those people, but i don't want to do that anymore because i can't expect that only happy things would teach me, the negative things are needed as well.
at this moment i have all the people in my life who i need. and i think that is also why i finally got the courage to tell the world what's been going on inside my head for so long and end this little act. as much as i love dramatic music, theater plays, heavy red curtains and beautifully decorated masks, i don't want to my life to be those.
the diagnosis person asked me today if i'll be able to manage during the summer closing from the end of june to august and i don't think my voice has ever been so strong when i said that i will be just fine. because this time i know i will be.
one by one i'll get rid off the things in my life that only drag me down except that i must say i'm sure i'll still continue with messing around with food. all these beautiful words unfortunately do not make me love this body, but i am determinded to at least get along with it.
this was bloody long entry and i'm sure most of you don't bother reading it, but this is how i am: when i finally do something, i do it well, doesn't matter if it's in good or bad. when it comes to the gyaru stuff, i think i will be selling most of the clothes etc at valtteri flea market someday this summer, but the rest of the things i'll then put on ebay. however, i'm not going to stress about selling all the remaining things: first i'm going to enjoy this freedom i finally allowed myself to have !
the new blog can be found here: http://chapter-xiv.livejournal.com
it'll be public apart from some possible friends only entries, but this time i'll only allow those people as my friends who i know.
well, i think that's it. it was pleasure to know and it was not so pleasure to know, but i'll live with that as well. 8D
those who were meant to be in my life: i'll see you !
those where weren't: never stop learning and remember to take care of yourself ! (not with the expense of other people of course)
i turn 22 years old next week, but i guess it's not yet too late to start living.
at least now i'll be able to appreciate every happy moment i'll have because i know how it is to be unhappy.
and now i'll be able to appreciate myself because i know how it is to not have "myself" at all.
"wake up, dead boy